Doubt

I have many, many visions for my life. I believe that I could be many things in life: teacher, author, mother, interior decorator, greeting card writer, graphic designer, publisher, magazine director, and many more. The only problem with these options is the fact that when I actually begin to put my mind to one, doubt sets in. I start to feel as if I am inadequate, not quite right for the job.

There are even times when I feel as though there are certain things that I am destined to do. Only, just like every other option I feel that I can accomplish, as soon as I begin to contemplate this thing that I am destined to do, my motivation drops, and I feel too much doubt to continue.

I had this idea to write a 6-week devotional/small group book for married women. Not on the topic of marriage, but focusing on the married woman as an individual. You see, I strongly believe that when a person gets married, their identity does not get thrown into the trash, or melded in with their spouses. Each partner still has their own identity. In my book (which is only conceived in my mind) I want to express the importance of keeping this identify strong, and using it to further your relationship with our Maker, and with our friends.

But as soon as I plotted out what exactly each section would focus on, my motivation dropped so dramatically that I couldn’t believe I had ever thought I could accomplish such a thing. I mean, who am I to write anything on marriage? I’m no marriage expert; I’ve only been married not even 3 years. I’m no Bible expert either, who would take me seriously?

The strength of this doubt and non-motivation was so strong that there would be times when I was sitting on the couch, thinking of all the things that I needed to do, and couldn’t do, that I wouldn’t be able to move. It was as if doubt had literally paralyzed me. I began to think that if I wasn’t adequate enough to fulfill any of my visions, what would be the point of ever moving off the couch? What would be the point of moving from one spot to another, only to still be paralyzed by doubt?

I wonder if I should create myself a greeting card that says, “You can do it!”, or “Go for the Gold!”