Susieboldt's Blog

Random Comments from a Dreamer

Oh, How I Love my Sleep!

I fall asleep during the most inappropriate times.

Every Sunday I fall asleep at church. Right in the middle of a sermon. Okay…that’s a lie. Directly after the introduction. I sneakily close my eyes and lower my head just slightly. By doing this, nobody behind me can tell that I’m sleeping. Unfortunately, everyone to the sides and in front of me can easily tell. This includes the pastor. On a side note: I’m pretty sure that it’s impossible for me not to fall asleep. I’m thinking about letting scientists experiment on me.

When my head starts to nod I try to find a spot behind somebody’s head. This makes me pretty much invisible. Everybody knows that if you can’t see the pastor, the pastor can’t see you. The problem with hiding behind somebody’s head is that this somebody could easily move or shift. This is something I wouldn’t notice, because I’m sleeping.

I think pastors have a sixth sense. If somebody has closed their eyes for more than four minutes, the pastor senses a disturbance in the force and locates the sinner with little difficultly. The pastor then writes this person’s name in his little black book of people who need prayer. Okay, so the pastor doesn’t have a little black book where he writes down names each week, but that’s what it feels like.

I’ve been caught a few times. I’m just minding my own business, sleeping, when I feel a set of eyes staring into my soul. I open my eyes and find myself staring into the pastor’s. I look away quickly and pretend to be reading my Bible. This is slightly problematic since I rarely (actually never) bring my Bible to church.

I hope the pastors don’t get offended by sleepers. I mean, let’s face reality: you’re surrounded by people, many of whom have large heads to block yours from getting seen, the sermon is long, and you’ve woken up early. These are great conditions for sleeping. We sleepers really can’t be blamed. Frankly, I think the pastor is asking too much of us to listen for more than fifteen minutes at a time, yet alone forty.

I used to have this teacher for history, and I would fall asleep, literally, every class. It was right after lunch, and everybody knows that food needs time to settle before your brain can even process the concept of history. I won’t lie, I felt bad about sleeping during every class. Of course, not bad enough to stay awake.

One day, I approached this teacher and asked him how it made him feel when I slept. He told me that it made him feel stupid. I told him that I would try to stop, but I was pretty sure I had some sort of condition where fatigue controlled my body. It was a good thing I was doing well on assignments or he surely would have failed me.

The next day, I fell asleep again. When I awoke, there was a small puddle of drool on my desk. It was highly embarrassing, and the people around me laughed. You would think that an experience like this would propel me to stay awake. Ha! If you think a little drool would keep me from sleep, you’re crazy! Sleep overpowers embarrassment. Everybody knows that. So unfortunately, neither the drool, nor the teacher’s response helped me to stay awake.

One day, a friend of mine noticed my sleeping problem and offered me a caffeine pill. He used them all the time when he got sleepy, and he told me that it would literally be impossible for me to sleep after taking one. Of course, it never occurred to me that he was offering me drugs. It was small and purple and had a picture of a rooster on it. I swallowed it, knowing my teacher would be proud.

Class came around, and to my friend’s complete astonishment, I fell asleep. Apparently, it became a class conversation as to how I could have possibly fallen asleep. But as you know, I was asleep and cannot verify such accounts.

After such an experience, I now laugh in the face of roosters.


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November 8, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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